"We Are All Running From Something"

It doesn't matter how far around the world you travel, you can't escape what's in your head. After just a few days here I began having the most vivid dreams. Some where pleasant, but most were filled with intense emotions. Sadness, guilt, loss, and mostly anger. This was often directed at people from my recent past. Not necessarily significant people in my life, but a manifestation of the emotions I am feeling- and the place I have left behind. At least this is my theory.
We go through our days suppressing how we feel in order to just get through the day. Then when we are able to come home, or find a safe place to lay down those feelings and thoughts are still there. It comes out in various ways, and for me it is often very suppressed. This is all magnified here, especially since it is all new and so very foreign.

When I first arrived I had a long conversation with Lani about traveling, and how I have always felt I am meant to live abroad. Living in Spain the only time I experienced culture shock was when I returned Stateside. Now I realize Thailand and Spain are apples and oranges, but this gave me a sense that Travel is in my blood, and it needs to be a part of my life. I told her this, and that I wanted to make sure it wasn't because I was running away. Her reply was "oh honey, we are all running from something here." I believe there is truth to that, and with each farang I meet I can't help but wonder.

For now, embrace this experience and just roll with the ups and downs is all I can do. The trade off for the hard days is this once in a lifetime experience, and adventures beyond anything I have ever imagined.

The day I arrived, Kate the assistant principal at NIS picked me up from the airport in her car. The drive to Lani's was bat shit crazy. Although I was thoroughly terrified and she was talking a million miles a minute- trying to give me as much advice as possible (which I do appreciate); all I could do was look over the rice patty fields and the majestic mountains, along with the Thai people and buildings thinking, "These are images I have always dreamed of seeing with my own eyes, and here it is right in front of me. It's hard to be excited by it, because I can't believe this is actually real."

It's moments like this that make up for the bouts of homesickness. Whether it's finding someplace all by myself on the crazy Thai roads(if you have ever been here, you know what I am talking about). Riding home and just being in awe of the mountains and lush jungle- each and every time I see them. Making a new Thai, or Philippino, or any other friend. Watching people sell street food, and drive trucks with 10 people piled in the back. These are just a few examples of the images I see here everyday, and although so very new and foreign there is a sense of wonder and excitement that comes along with it. The endless possibilities of exploration and travel that are at my doorstep.

These wonders do not mean that I miss home any less. I miss Trader Joes, and Mac n' cheese, and fall boots, and the leaves changing. I am going to miss Halloween and Thanksgiving. Friends and family are no longer just a phone call or short car ride away. A skype date is better than nothing, but scheduling is limited with the 14 hour time difference.

What I do know is that I will be okay. Sometimes when you are surrounded by large groups of people you feel more lonely than you ever have before. Take it in stride, and look at it as an opportunity to truly get to know yourself. It's amazing what we are capable of, and most of the time we don't even know it.