Adventure Awaits

February came and went faster than I care to recognize. Throughout the shortest month of the year I turned 27, visited Chiang Dao, went camping on the top of a mountain in Mae Hong Son province with Thai friends, and as March began I found myself in a bit of an existential crisis...

No one ever said moving to SE Asia alone would be easy. As someone who does not feel meant to live in the US I have found myself ahead of the curve with the transition until the 6 month mark, where I am beginning to really feel it. I suppose the easiest way to explain it is an overwhelming sense that I hate this ridiculous (at times) country, and the urge to lock myself in my bedroom. This of course does pass and for 98% of the time I am infatuated and in love with this place, there is the 2% where I completely fall apart.

It seems that relationships in Thailand are fleeting. You may have a really close friend who will leave in a month, or 6, or possibly a year or longer. What does this mean in terms of building a stable life? Well I think the answer is that really doesn't happen for people who chose this life. If you are very lucky there are people around you who are true friends. Investing time in them is never a waste. You can say the same for any relationship, anywhere in the world. People leave, get married, have children, etc. You really have to be secure with yourself and comfortable with being/ travelling alone. Like I said, for me 98% of the time this is fine, but then there is that 2% where I am inclined to eat copious amounts of junk food and watch anything in English I can get my hands on.

For now it is a matter of acknowledging these feelings and waiting for them to pass. In the mean time just trying to remember that I live in an amazing place, and am very lucky. The Thai Beaches and April break cannot come fast enough. Thankfully, adventure awaits.

2012: Off to a Great Start

Upon returning from Burma, Chiang Mai felt like home more than ever. I found myself with more confidence as well. I would walk into a shop before and be intimidated, but post Burma I felt like I could handle anything. Nothing toughens you up like a trip of that sort, especially alone. I have never experienced culture shock in Thailand, but the last few days in Burma I was starting to feel it.
I've noticed lately that I have to pinch myself at times as a reminder I live here. It's not so much taking it for granted, rather than feeling so adjusted that a water buffalo holding up traffic in the middle of the road is no biggie. Leaving the city helps as a reminder.
This past weekend I road tripped to Chiang Dao with my lovely friend Sara. Friday afternoon we hopped on our motorbikes and made the little-over-an-hour trip through the mountains, and along a river. When the air blowing off the cool river would hit me, it made me feel like I was back home- In Oregon.
The weekend was spent at the base of Thailand's third largest mountain, Doi Chiang Dao. Our bamboo hut was cozy but nicely furnished. The food was amazing. Saturday was spent lounging by the pool. Sara reading a book called "Falang," and I chose "Ladyboys" from the shelf of used books to exchange. We also explored Chiang Dao Cave and Sara purchased a sweet pair of flops for only 30 Baht! It was pretty much eat, read, relax. Repeat. Worrying doesn't change the outcome, but sometimes you need to escape your environment to rest your mind.
After a very chaotic few weeks at school this was a successful attempt to just clear our heads. I will not go into details, as it is my professional integrity at stake, but there was an incident in our class that resulted in an accusation from a parent and the most stressful day of my career thus far. This along with many other stressors and behavior issues had really just pushed me over the edge mentally and emotionally. I know this sounds a tad dramatic, but in reality I am not exaggerating. If anything I am under reporting the magnitude of those weeks.
The good news is that through all this I had the support of my friends and colleagues here in Thailand. Their help made all the difference in the world.
No matter where you live in the world you are bound to run into hard times. Through all the chaos and drama that Thailand has brought into my life I am thankful for two things. The first is that through it all I have remained true to myself. Not only to who I am, but to the person I want to be. It feels good to know this, and that karma truly does exist. The latter is that I have built friendships and relationships with people here that are true and genuine.

After a wonderful birthday weekend- including 5 birthday meals! I have so much to look forward to. Including, but not limited to, a much anticipated visitor. We can't control many things in our lives, but we can control how we chose to deal with them. Most importantly, if we are very lucky, we can chose wonderful people to surround ourselves with.

27th Birfday

In recent years my birthday has become a day of reflection. It started when I turned 25. I suppose it's from inching closer to 30 each year, which is something I actually look forward to. It's a time for me to check in with myself. Where are you now? Where did you think you would be at 27? Pretty much just a "how are things going?" in my head.
If someone would have told me I would be celebrating this birthday with wonderful friends, in Thailand, I would not have believed them. Or that the very same weekend I would attend a wedding anniversary party with people I met while traveling, alone, in Burma for 18 days. It's funny where life takes us. After everything I went through this past year- lay off, break- up, car accident, losing my apartment, etc. things have completely turned around. I am healthier mentally and physically than I have been since I can remember. It feels like I have built a life here in Chiang Mai, and I am completely in love. Sometimes I wonder, is it me that has changed or is it this place? If I leave and go to another continent will I still feel this way? I think the answer lays in a little bit of both. Making peace with yourself is invaluable, and not to be taken for granted. Today, as I was driving home from a Saturday event at school I was thinking to myself how lucky I am. All these amazing experiences and places and people. In the next moment I realized I am not just lucky. This is not the universe throwing me a bone for once. This is a result of the choices I have made.
We make our own luck.