"I am moving to another country."

A few days ago I said the words out loud for the first time. "I am moving to another country." It's funny how we process things and although it weighs heavily on the mind, it usually takes time for reality to set in. Transitions are a funny thing. Whether it's a new job, getting married, having kids, or moving to another country sooner than expected, we all process in different ways. Lately I have found myself trapped in this. Mind racing. Wondering. The emotions attached to this have been unexpected and not the easiest to deal with. Sorting through what's real and what is just a product of my stress has been tricky. I don't feel like my head is in the best place but don't know how to talk to anyone about it because I myself don't completely understand what is going on. It's bringing up a fair amount of insecurity and sadness that I was not prepared for. I know I have been stubborn about the whole "everything happens for a reason" crap but it seems this move was a blessing in disguise. The school I work for is a mess and people who have been there for over 10 years are resigning. We have a new administration this year and they rule with an iron fist, creating a culture of fear and it's ugly. There was a time when I loved working there, so it saddens me, but such is life. Sometimes things that happen to us appear negative when really they are just the swift kick we need to move on. So what's my problem then? I know all this yet still am struggling with this transition. Thailand and I have a bit of a dysfunctional relationship but at the end of the day there is love. Maybe it's the uncertainty? It has been less than a year since I packed up my life and moved here only to be "kicked off the island" and forced to figure things out on my own again. I don't really know... but that is the point, I suppose. There are so many things to look forward to but I feel like they are just out of my reach right now. I am elated at the thought of being home in Oregon, seeing my family and friends, and embarking on a new adventure in Seoul. I think we all struggle with wishing away time at certain points in life. I am not sure which way is up at the moment, but it's alright. There is no reason to feel sorry, my life is amazing and I know it but that doesn't mean it's not difficult at times. We have to acknowledge these things in order to sort through them, so here's hoping.

Reality? Check!

As I drove to school the air was cool, a welcome relief provided by a storm passing through the night before. For a moment it reminded me of home. Naturally rain makes me miss Oregon, but with the craziness of the past few days my mind quickly went back to spinning... It started with a trip earlier in the week to the US Embassy in Chiang Mai. A very unsuccessful trip that reminded me just how useless we are back in the good old U S of A. It was possibly the swift kick back to reality that I needed to remind myself why it is I have chosen, and will continue to, live abroad. I had made an appointment at 8:15 hoping they would help with my background check for Korea. It requires fingerprints to be submitted to the FBI and after asking around a few people had told me to go there before trying the Thai Police. I arrived, showed my passport and entered a room that is only for security checks. They put my purse through the x- ray and promptly asked me to remove any electronics. So I took out my phone and headphones, thinking that would be all. Then they asked for my lip gloss, so i pulled out two from a side pocket. Then my sunglasses. Followed by everything else that could be considered a cosmetic and I am not talking over 100 ml here. But you see there is a rip in the lining of my purse, and all sorts of goodies have fallen down there. So finally I just asked if I could leave the whole thing with them and with a look of relief the security guard agreed. Politely I took my passport, paperwork and wallet and proceeded to the next room. I sat for 20 minutes only to be given a print out from the website (that I had already seen), and told I need to go to Bangkok to get my fingerprints done. When I asked the Thai women helping me if she could suggest anywhere local she replied with, "we don't like to tell people where to go in Chiang Mai. We used to do it here at the embassy, but not anymore. I'm sorry." I politely smiled and got up to walk away, but I am sure I could not hide the look on my face that read: Really?! OK so that was a complete waste of time and sent me into a tailspin as I drove back to school. That same morning I discovered that I had a lump in my armpit. About the size of a marble, semi- hard, and very sore. While travelling in the Islands I had noticed a bit of soreness but chalked it up to a nick from shaving or an ingrown hair. Once it became larger and that sore I knew I had to go get it checked out. So after school I went to Rajavej Hospital near my house, with a stop off at home to wait out the afternoon downpour. The attending physician examined me by pressing firmly on my armpit. When he asked me if it hurt, I replied yes. The reason being he was hurting me. Ultimately he concluded I must have lifted something that strained my muscles. I tried to explain to him that there was in fact a lump there, but I didn't get the feeling he understood. I decided that if the problem persisted I would seek a second opinion. Luckily it went away within about a week. Now I have an identical one on the other side. Not a cause for concern at this point. It is ridiculously hot, and I sweat. A lot. It seems perfectly natural that this would throw some things outta whack. Let's just say if you ever truly dislike someone, send them to Thailand in April. The next morning I woke up just before 5 am. This has become a daily occurrence thanks to the heat and lack of A/C in my household. As I was drinking my one cup of morning coffee, watching New Girl, Pom my Thai Mom came running upstairs looking startled. She was shouting in Thai to wake up her son who is visiting. I like to call him Chef. As they came back downstairs I realized there was a Farang man, with very slurred speech, out on the front porch. My first instinct was that he must be very drunk but as the details emerged it seems he was likely on something as well. He had climbed the wall next to our house and fallen into the side yard. Mom was back in the kitchen and thought something had happened to me in the shower. Upon further investigation this inebriated man emerged nearly scaring her to death. He was looking for his hotel and had lost his wallet. Chef speaks English and is a rather large Thai man so it's a good thing he was there. Otherwise I may have had to deal with him as the only other English speaker currently in the house (Tui is away). They went out to the street and after about 15 min, as I was stepping out of the shower, I could hear this Farang shouting profanities at Chef and the Tuk Tuk driver who had arrived. Eventually they managed to get him in taxi and off to his hotel. I wondered what would happen with the driver since this guy had no money. It still blows my mind how people behave this way in such a foreign place. Can you say Thai Jail?